The Enneagram is the most ancient numerological self-analytical system known to man (embracing woman) (and God bless them) (with or without a license). Personally, I am so ancient I fondly and profoundly remember the wit and genius of Oscar Levant. When asked what he thought was the high point of his career, he said it was making Joan Crawford cry. They never wrote any dialogue for Oscar; they just let him be himself and that was more than enough to delight the human beings of that time.

Well, anyway, back to the Enneagram and any other problems you might be pursuing. If you don’t know your Enneagram Number, I’ve got your number, and for a modest fee, I am prepared to enlighten you, along with your buying lunch at a 5-star topless restaurant.

The major information you need to integrate at this time is that you are a soul, and the center of the universe. This may be a little heavy for you to digest right now, but it’s imperative that you get it down in the next four or five years. It’s all inside you; you just have to turn your attention within. It’s an inside job. 

In the meantime, know that I love you, no matter how F—ed Up you may be. Always remember, we all came from that Effulgent Reality, the Supreme OWow; and we all return to that. 

I know reincarnation is a fact because it had to take me more than one life to get this F—ed Up.

(See July 2008 issue of the Beachhead, at http://www.freevenice.org for calculating your Enneagram Number.)

1’s are angry about the lack of perfection in themselves, the world, the galaxy, the universe and Donald Trump. They want perfection more desperately than Donald wants to F—k someone. They are hard-working idealists and are never late for an orgasm.

2’s want to be loved and occasionally worshiped. They habitually think of themselves last. This makes them popular, and a mark for neurotically successful con men and women. They need to wake up and smell the bogus stocks, bonds and aphrodisiacs.

3’s make great actors due to their difficulty of dealing with their feelings. They develop a variety of guises in an attempt to cover all occasions. They have the challenge of becoming emotionally honest and having a second coming.

4’s are too identified with their own feelings; often turning them into emotional yoyo’s. But then again, there are no boundaries on their compassion, which makes them easy dupes for ruthless politicians, pimps and insurance salesman. They have a great love of beauty and an unnerving time settling down with just three or four lovers.

5’s worship knowledge in an effort to sate a raging, insistent paranoia. Recognizing the limitations of the mental realm, they turn within and move into the soul, where they discover the Blue Bird of happiness hanging out on the limb of Susan Sarandon. (I sincerely believe Susan to be a great actress, a lovely woman and a spiritual goddess, and I am looking forward to meeting her in the Bliss Plane.)

6’s live with anxiety, and sometimes a 17 year old Polanski reject. The 13 year old’s charge was that he was a lousy religious experience. 6’s have a gang of good qualities, however. They could use a heavier helping of faith and trust in themselves and that the Effulgent Reality, alias OWow, the Big Bopper and the Blue Bird.

7’s are a blinding blend of multi-talents, hypersensitivity and a charismatic arrogance. They mean well but sometimes get too personally involved, as we all tend to do, when the moon is in Scorpio. Basically, the 7’s want to party, with no painful consequences. God bless them, and may they never get caught off ease.

8’s may have a compulsion to be in charge at all times. Sadly, this denies them a glimpse of the Blue Bird. When they do get a shot of Light, they make magnanimous, benign leaders. They’re gentle on the inside and tough on the outside. Justice is their mantram. Concrete is their birthstone.

9’s labor under the illusory limitation that they are not worthy to blissfully live in the present moment, so they spend all their time in the past or future, remembering the bad times, or planning for a future that never gets here. They are generally indifferent to destiny and fate, but will, on occasion, enjoy a good dishonest gin game with rich guileless strangers.

OWow bless you,

Swami