A How-To-Lie Primer for Anyone Who Wants To Be President of Anything, Anywhere, Anytime
a satire by Larry Hankin
The current President of The United States of America is writing a book to be published when he leaves office. It’s going to be titled: “THE ART OF THE LIE: Presidential
Lying for Dummies: A How-To-Lie Primer for anyone who wants to be President of Anything, Anywhere At Any Time”. The following is The President’s personal
forward to his book, which was presented to me by one of his assistants.
POTUS’S FORWARD TO “THE ART OF THE LIE”
“First of all, I don’t think lying is a bad thing. But then, I don’t think evil is a bad thing either. When I think of “lying”, I immediately ask myself the question: “Which is better: The Whole Truth – Or a Really Great Lie?”
Very few people know or realize that lying, as President of The United States, is easy. Much easier than lying as an ordinary American citizen. All you have to do as President is do it: just lie. Lay it out there. Either it sticks and you get on with your day – or – there are well-paid people to back it up or walk it back for you. But, frankly just telling a bigger, different lie works just as well.
Though, having somebody else walk it back for you has one advantage: accusing someone of lying about lying about somebody not lying raises such a quagmire of govt.-called witnesses and committees that it’s just not worth the trouble to even bringing it up. You’re treated nothing like a crackhead lying to the police.
We all know that every president has lied at one time or another. Take George Washington; The Father of our country: Remember: “Father, I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the Cherry Tree.” I say, “Bullshit”. I have proof he lied!
Yes: The Father of Our Country. “Lyin’ George.” I have people researching it and we’re turning up a huge amount of proof about all his lies – stuff I can’t tell you, but believe me, lyin’ George is a dead man. The first thing I’m gonna do in my second 100 Days is to sign an Executive Order stating that : “It’s perfectly all right to lie anywhere, any time, under any circumstances, including, but not limited-to: under oath, on a whim, or at 4:30 in the morning – for no fucking good reason whatsoever.”
To begin with: In doing research for my book “THE ART OF THE LIE”, I found out the real reason why Homo sapiens lie: It’s not because of a deep-seated power grab – or sinister ego-trips – or greed – or paranoia – or even survival. Homo sapiens lie because The Whole
Truth is just too long and involved.
Too long. Telling the truth means you gotta have facts, references, video tape, corroboration, verifiable research, witnesses, gravitas, time, money, energy, and on & on & on. The Truth never stops.
But: with a lie, it’s just: “What do you want to know?” BUDABING! And you get on with your day.
LYING SAVES TIME. It’s not brain surgery. Little kids master it in two seconds. No sweat. A lie is quick, it’s easy, it’s serviceable. It’s just a quick flick of a Paradigm Shift whenever you’re confronted with Facts and or Proof that doesn’t fit your point of view. Here’s 2 sample Paradigm Mantras you can shift into when confronted with Facts and/or Proof that don’t agree with your belief.
1. “FACTS AND PROOF DESTROY PLANS, RAISE COSTS, AND INSULT CONCLUSIONS.
2. LYING SAVES TIME: TIME IS MONEY: LYING SAVES TIME & MONEY (a 2-fer)
Personally, I don’t see myself as “A Liar” per se. I’m simply saving time and cutting to the chase: Look, I’m President of The Whole United States of America, I have Hotels all over the world, I’ve got Lawsuits to delay, I’ve got people to sue. And all the press needs is a 10 second sound bite? Easy-Peasy: YOU MAKE IT UP. The press needs to stuff to live, and I can to get on with my day.
Let me tell you something else about “Facts” and “Proof”: some of my best friends have facts and proof.
Let me tell you something about The Facts of Life and Nature: If you have facts and proof: you don’t need to lie. Hey, if I had facts and proof, I wouldn’t lie either. I’m not stupid. But if you’re The President of The United States and you don’t have facts and proof – What’re you gonna do? DUH!
What I’m saying is: lying is simply a political tool to level the playing field, that’s all. Lying simply gives you a little breathing room: a second shot. No biggie.
Also, with lies, there’s a simple, finite amount of answers you have to know: “8”. “The Golden Eight”: Yes; No; Maybe; I don’t know but I’ll get back to you; I know but I can’t tell you; you look great in that; I’ll be right back; and: That’s not mine.”
If it involves Quantity, it’s even simpler: a reasonable number, plus a topic- related category: Exemplia Gratia: if you’re talking about scrap metal: “97 Tons” – not: “97
ounces”. Won’t fly. If you’re talking about milk: 3 QTS., 10 GAL. Not 97 tons of milk. Doesn’t work. But even so – as President – somebody else will walk it back for you, and you still can get on with your day. In conclusion: Here are my 3 Personal Cardinal Rules for Presidential Liars:
1. The bigger the lie, the better the lie (classic Goerbels).
2. If your lie is not believed, let someone else walk it back for you or tell a different, bigger, better lie.
3. Always be developing your brand.
Thank you and buy this book.
— POTUS / 2017
Copyright: L.Hankin 2017
street fables, homeless rants, & comedies
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